Depression really does suck on so many levels.
So does a computer that doesn’t want to work.
So does what’s happening in America right now.
There are so many facets to the depression I’ve been dealing with, but the main two are listed above. When you have chronic depression, a working computer and the country you love going to shit really compounds all the negative thoughts you were already having into a giant 50 ton ball of “Oh fuuuuuuuuuu……”
So, I disappeared. I do that. I hide from everyone and everything. I still get on Facebook and like other people’s posts and share memes, but for the most part, I hide. Twitter has never really been a place for me, but I would usually post a couple of things at least, but over the past few months, I found myself opening that app on my phone less and less until I spent days away at a time.
And, there’s my computer. It’s almost completely shot. I thought it was totally done for there a while ago when every time I turned it on, the screen would go all wonky and any program that required typing left me waiting for the processors to catch up with my fingers. I’m a “professional typer” which means, I don’t peck and can look at the screen instead of my fingers (though, I would like to point out that there is absolutely nothing wrong with typing that way), but I’m not 120 words per minute fast. I’d go with maybe 90 words a minute. The point is that when my computer wouldn’t keep up with my writing and I had to stop for it to catch up, it got to be too big a hassle for me to deal with.
My computer isn’t dead, though it is dying. I gave it a nice long break. Months long in fact. I left it on a shelf and crocheted pretty exclusively for a good few months. When I got it back out a week ago, it seemed to have rested well enough to keep up with my typing. But, it’s still not okay. Black screen upon initial start up, so I close it and wait for it to go to sleep. I open it back up to my screen not going black, but going wonky with lines of color on a white screen, so I close it again and wait for it to go to sleep. Usually, that’s the process, though, on occasion, it requires a couple more quick sleep cycles before the screen is back to normal. Sometimes, after a while, the screen will do that white screen/color lines thing while I’m using it, but I just do the whole close/sleep thing again.
I need a new computer, but that’s not going to happen for a while.
As for the way things are going in America right now… Well, it’s shit. Everyone knows why, and some people celebrate that which makes it so much worse. Ugh.
And on top of that, I’ve recently been diagnosed with Crohn’s. So, basically, I have Fibromyalgia/CFS and Crohn’s which means my own body thinks I’m a virus invading myself. Bodies are weird.
So, depression. Sometimes worse than other times, but ever present.
But, it’s not all bad. Like I said earlier, I took to crochet. I’ve had a blast making things, including Baby Groot, Ragdoll Unicorns, and Ragdoll Butterflies. I’ve also made hats and sweaters and scarves and attempted a blanket that I now think I know how to salvage after many, many issues with the way the pattern was written.
I’ve also done a lot of reading via audiobooks. I discovered the wonder that is the Mistborn series by Brandon Sanderson (and, subsequently, the Alloy of Law series). Then I picked up the Stormlight series by the same author and am chomping at the bit for the next book. I’ve read a bunch of Harry Dresden Files and even did a reread of Harry Potter. It’s easier to listen to books when crocheting than it is to read them, so I’ve really enjoyed expanding my reading parameters. I’ve discovered books and authors I never would have if I hadn’t picked up some headphones and just gone with it. It’s reinvigorated my love of reading.
Anyway, that’s where I’m at.